I have been asked so many times, “Tracie, How do you do it all?” “How do you balance a blog, kids and everything else?” “You seem like you’ve got it all figured out.” To these comments I just nod and say “I try my best.” That is the truth, but the secret is – I don’t. And honestly – I don’t want to do it all. I just live my life in the way that works for me.
I read other websites or see photos and often find myself comparing myself to these other moms. You know the ones I am talking about, don’t you? Those who have the perfect Easter crafts done by their kids. Those who plan elaborate meals for their family every night of the week. The moms who play with their kids every second of every day — and still have not a hair out of place. I wonder, how do they do it?! I start to question myself. I question if I am doing all I should. I quickly smack myself and say “Wake up! You are not perfect — and neither are they!”
You see, when you look at a blog or a mom on the playground, you see only what they want you to see — and often you see only what you want to see. They may be fighting an illness or marriage problems. One of her children may be dealing with developmental issues. She might be a pack rat who lives in a house filled with clutter. She might be on her phone checking for an email about a sick relative. Her blog may be her escape from what she is dealing with at home. The point is this – we don’t know. Not unless they share, of course.
What you may not know about me is that I often stay in bed until close to 7 am while my kids are playing downstairs. It is my chance to get myself geared up, ready to face another day. Then, I get up and immediately corral kids to the counter to get breakfast — usually by my having to call them a minimum of 4 times before they finally “hear” what I am saying. After that, I repeat myself another 4 or 5 times reminding them to get dressed, make their beds and brush their teeth.
Once they are out the door and off to school, I try to squeeze in a game with my youngest before she too heads off to preschool. However, most days, she would rather just play by herself. Does this make me a bad mom? Nope! I ask her if she wants to do something with mommy and then if she tells me no, that was her choice. I then start working. Truth be told, I have to set a timer for myself so I don’t forget to stop working to take her to school.
There are times when I turn to my computer to escape my life. I need to block out the fighting, the arguing, and the chaos which can come with being a mom. It isn’t always work. It is often trying to connect with others (as some of my closest friends “live” in my computer). It is reading blogs. It is following a twitter feed or even reading the news. I sometimes need just five more minutes to get a post done and need the kids to wait for a drink of milk.
There are other times when I want nothing to do with technology. I want to snuggle with my kids. I want to play Red Light Green Light with them in the front yard. I choose to hire a sitter and have a dinner out with my husband.
I’m the mom who says “Just 5 more minutes” which turns into 10 or 15 minutes. I’m also the mom who drops what she is doing when her child asks her a question. I’m the mom who loses her temper and yells. I’m also the mom who drops everything to get another glass of chocolate milk or to find that lost toy.
Does any of this make me a bad mom? Of course not. I am far from perfect, but tell, me – who is? What does perfect or a “good” mom mean? To me, a good mom is one who loves her kids with all of her heart and does the best she can. It isn’t about the diapers she uses, the way she feeds her infant or how she educates her kids. It isn’t about the games they play, the crafts they do or the meals that you fix. I am so tired of us all comparing ourselves and trying to achieve this perfect mom status.
None of us are perfect. What we are, is human. We are moms. We love our kids. We do our best. That makes us all more alike than some may want to admit. Ask your kids and I am sure that they will tell you that you are the perfect mom. And in the end, isn’t that all that really matters anyhow?
So, do I do it all? Nope. Well, not perfectly. And you know what? That’s OK by me.
Jen V. says
Thanks for sharing this.
Tracie says
You are welcome Jen!
Veronica says
That just made me tear up a bit…I think as moms we all struggle internally with wondering if we are being the best “mom” we can be for our kids.
ali says
I teared up too! It really hits home sometimes when you sit back and wonder if you are doing enough for your kids. I remember my mom always having a fantastic dinner prepared every night and keeping the house spotless, but I don’t remember her playing with me very much. I’m breaking that tradition by allowing the dishes to pile up sometimes and not worry about the mountain of laundry because I don’t want my kids to feel like I felt toward her. I think we can all take some of life’s examples and learn what works and what doesn’t work for our own individual families and stop trying to fit into some cookie cutter mold. Thanks for sharing your story, Tracie! 🙂
Tracie says
Thanks ladies! This has been getting to me for a while now and I do best when I write it down. (But sorry made you tear up – that sure wasn’t my intent).
Dana says
LOVE this post, Tracie. You’re right. Blog world can make you feel inadequate. One blog I follow has the author getting up at the crack of dawn. Another talks about being calm and patient and never yelling. I unsubscribed to an organizing blog because every post made me think the woman had nothing else to do but line cereal boxes with pretty paper and paint furniture constantly. There’s nothing wrong with trying to improve oneself, but when you start stressing out or feeling inadequate, you need to draw a line and just be the best YOU can be instead of trying to be the best someone else. Thank you for reminding me of that!
Tracie says
Exactly Dana! I read about all of these perfect things and feel like I am not doing enough, but my kids love me and are very happy. It isn’t making a perfect Easter bunny display that matters — what matters is what I do for them and what they need.
Debbi says
This is lovely. And a great reminder for all of us- moms or not. Thanks for sharing!
Tracie says
You are welcome Debbi!
Lauren says
I, too, needed this! Thank you for sharing! I often hear “how do you do it?” Three boys, and work, and I try to be active in some causes and things like that. I often feel like my kids are getting the short end of the stick, I always wanted to be the mom that played on the floor with her kids, and when I find time to do it, I am bored and my mind is busy thinking of all the things that need to get done. I never pictured myself screaming as much as I do, and frequently feel like I am failing in multitudes of ways, so this was just what I needed. I still want to keep trying to be a better mom, but I need to stop letting the idea that I am not good enough consume so much head space!
Tracie says
Bless your heart Lauren! It happens to all of us and if I made even one person feel better through my words, then that makes me happy. Take care and keep on being the amazing mom I know you are.
Amber says
Thank you for sharing your heart! We all struggle with this, as you mentioned.
Tracie says
You are welcome Amber! Life isn’t easy and knowing you aren’t alone is a good feeling!
Lori says
Thanks so much for this! My kids are in their 20s now and at times I look at these blogs and tend to beat myself up about things I should have done. I really appreciate your honesty and thanks for sharing!
Tracie says
You are welcome Lori! It is tough to put yourself out there, but when you know others in the same boat, it is almost empowering. Like – I am NOT alone in this!
Netty says
I jsut went to a conference last weekend totally about this subject. There is a great book by Jill Savage No MOre Perfect Moms…I just got done reading it. Would SO recommend it.
Thanks for sharing I LOVE your blog. 🙂
Tracie says
Thank you Netty! I don’t open up much on here about personal things, but sometimes, it just is the right moment to do just that.
Leigh says
WOW!! You need to submit this to Readers’ Digest!!
It’s the moms that DON’T CARE are the ones that are in trouble. I only have one child but, I’ve questioned my decisions many times!! You want to be “the best” but, what exactly is that? After all, as we’ve heard many a times, you don’t get a manual on how to raise a baby when you have one.
Your comments on “behind the scenes” is so true!! (See only what they want us to see.) When we were in cub scouts, the person in charge was a women with two children. She was involved in EVERYTHING!! Well, when we went to her house to pick up fundraising items, the shroud was lifted. Her house was a complete mess!! I was comforted to know she wasn’t as perfect as portrayed. It basically just all boils down to your priorities. I think our future is pretty dog-gone important too. : )
Despite mine graduating high school this year, I still appreciated this. I tell my mom that we really won’t know how we did as parents until many many years down the road as he becomes independent.
Tracie says
Thanks Leigh! I appreciate your comments!!
Leigh says
You bet! : ) BTW: How’s the toy picking up going?
Susan says
Magnificent! Live your life your way by your priorities and let others do the same. How zen is that. Namaste.
Leigh E. says
Thanks for sharing this. I think most moms struggle with this. We hear something another mom is doing and we think “should I be doing that also?” I have *finally* come to grips with the fact that I am the best mom for my kids. I think we can drive ourselves crazy comparing ourselves to others. Thanks again!