I recently shared a link to a video about a television anchor who was speaking out against bullying. It was such a powerful message to me. Ever since I watched it, I can’t shake what happened to her. In reading some of the comments people left about this women on other websites and pages, I was just appalled. One person even said that it wasn’t bullying as it was in a private email to her. Really? So, when my daughter is older and gets a private message on Facebook or a text from someone saying something mean about her, then it won’t be bullying because “it didn’t happen on the school playground?”
Bullying is a real problem. Bullying is not the big tough kid stealing lunch money. Bullying is telling someone that they aren’t good enough to play with them at recess. Bullying is telling someone he is ugly because of a birthmark on his face. Bullying is telling someone they don’t matter because they don’t drive a nice enough car. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. It does not define an age. It does not define a creed. It is what is says — a real or perceived power imbalance.
When someone is bullied, the effects of the experience sometimes never leave. I know, because I was bullied terribly in elementary school. Let me share my story with you:
I was in the third grade attending a private (very small) Catholic school. Our class was so small that we had a total of about 6 girls and 6 or 7 boys in our room. One of the girls was very mean to me. To this day, I still don’t know what I did to her, but what she did was bullying in every sense of the word. This girl, we will call “Sue” created a club. It was cool to have secret clubs when you were this age, don’t you remember? However, I bet your club was nothing like this one. You see, Sue decided to create the “I Hate Tracie” club.
Once this club was created, it meant I had no one to play with at recess. I had no one to sit by at lunch. No one would have anything to do with me. They would meet during recess in their secret place and hold their meetings and share why they hated me. It did not last long, however, as being a small school, the teachers became aware of what they were doing and put an end to it. It was too little, too late. To this date, when I think of what happened to me, the feelings come flooding back. I feel like that young 8 year old girl on the playground with no friends at all. It hurt.
Some might say that it’s been long enough and I should get over it. For the most part, I have. However, those actions molded me into who I have become. I now always wonder if the whispers in the room are about me. The good that came from this was that I am so much more aware of what I say and do around others.
I did not share this story to get the “Awwww, poor Tracie” comments. I shared it because it happened to me. I lived through it. The pain and the memories are real. They cut deeply and made an impression on me. What she did made me actually question my own self-worth. THAT is what bullying was to me.
Bullying is real and it is a problem. My guess is that many of you have experienced a form of bullying at some point in your lifetime. I admire people for standing up against it. October is Take a Stand Against Bullying month. We have a chance to teach our children about it. We can help them learn how not to be a bully and what to do when it happens. No child (nor adult) has to take this. No one should go through this in their lifetime.
As for me, I am teaching my children to be kind to people, even if they are different. I am teaching them to be accepting of others. I am teaching them to be a friend to everyone. I know that they are not perfect. None of us are. I just want them to understand what bullying is and why we don’t want to do this to other kids.
My kids know what bullying is and what it can do to others. In fact, my oldest daughter actually shared with me that she witnessed bullying on her bus this past week. I was proud of her for standing up and for letting me know so that the bus company could look into it and prevent it from happening again. Just when I thought my daughter never listened to me – it turns out that she was.
The damage from bullying is rarely on the outside where we can see it. It is not just being beaten up on the playground anymore. It is the words and actions of others as well.
To the victims of bullying, it lives in you forever. For most it does not define who they become, but for some it does. It changes who they are and who they grow to be. While I didn’t let it define me, pain and lessons I learned are still very real.
You truly never shake it, no matter how hard you try.
Stacy Wagstaff says
Very well said. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me to have this conversation, again, with my boys. I don’t think it can ever be repeated enough.
Kristin says
So, so true. I went to a very small school (55 in my class) and I was bullied during high school by a couple of boys who called me “Frank” they said it was short for Frankenstein because I was a tall, ugly, B****. It was so very hurtful and the time and for many years after. For a long time, I did let it define me. But I have some wonderful friends and an amazing husband who have helped me get past it, but it has helped make the strong woman that I am today.
Jean says
That’s all we can really do is teach our kids not to accept that kind of cruelty. Not to perpetrate it, not to sit idly by when a classmate does it, and not to allow themselves to be victimized. You have to stand up and say something, just like that news anchor. Enough is enough.
Leigh says
I just saw that story on the news. I’m sure the viewer was sincere (she said the same) BUT, it wasn’t the time or venue!!
When I worked, (mid 20s) my boss bullied me so bad that I ended up quitting. (Mind you, I was a model employee & even had received an award.) If I was going to develop an ulcer, it would have been then. Thankfully, I didn’t. What’s even sadder is that this wasn’t at school! (Believe me, I had reasons. I had 2 buck teeth & a lisp. Braces & speech therapy corrected both. : ) It did effect me &, for years thereafter, I would be very sensitive when harsh words were spoken to me. I thought EVERYTHING was my fault!! Thankfully, my husband was apart of my life & was very supportive of me!!
My child was bullied in middle school & it still effects him to some degree. We had no idea for he didn’t tell us until many years later. I’ve always taught him that just because someone is different isn’t a bad thing. We are all unique & bring different things to “the table”. I also tell him that there’s never any reason to be mean or rude!! If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
I really don’t understand why people feel the need to be mean!! What is the real root of bullying? I’ve heard jealously but, I’m sure that isn’t the only reason.
Rosie says
Thank you for writing your post. I am now a grandma, but I can still remember the lonely days on the playground because of being an outcast. Junior High was definitely the toughest for me because I looked like one of the teachers — that everyone hated so I was called by her name instead of mine. It was horrible. I also have an austic daughter, who was constantly bullied, it was awful. Thankfully, she is grown and out of the public school system. I pray every day for my daughter, my grandkids and all the children out there that they will be protected from this horrible problem.
lori says
So true. I was never bullied but my youngest is autistic and it is such a fear for me. He can’t tell me what’s going on and so I have to trust…then recently several different families have released audiotapes of their special needs kids being bullied by teachers. I know most teachers are good, but the idea that there are such bad ones out there keeps me up at night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfkscHt96R0 (audio at 6 minutes 0 seconds). So scary…
Lisa says
I think most teachers are good. It’s just the handful of bad ones we hear about.
Zee says
Not only is it important to teach kids to be kind and encourage their peers to be kind, but it’s also important to teach them to be a good judge of character. The most popular, coolest, prettiest kids might not make the best friends. That has been true in my childhood experience. I was bullied by my so-called “friends” and I tolerated it. I stuck with this group from elementary school all the way to my sophomore year of high school. It wasn’t until then that I matured and realized I didn’t need them. They tried to talk about me and ostracize me, but at that point, I didn’t care! We were in a big high school, and they didn’t have the same power over me as they did when we were in elementary school. In high school I made my own circle of friends and was much happier. If I could do my childhood over, I wouldn’t have wasted my time on the popular girls, even if it meant keeping to myself. Being alone or making friends with boys (ick! lol) would’ve been better than enduring years of fake friendships. I would encourage children not to judge books by their cover and judge people by how they treat others. You may find that the best kinds of friends are the ones that often go overlooked. 🙂
JP says
Thanks for sharing your story Tracie. One of the most important things we can do is share our stories with kids. They can see that we too have difficulty with what others think of us.
I was bullied for years in grammar school and parts of high school. I was quiet tall and lanky from a young age and that made me stand out. I wasn’t very good at sports which didn’t give me much agency with my male counterparts. Sadly I think that affected me for years after the bullying stopped. For years I wanted to be in the ‘cool club’. To a degree I’m still too concerned today with what other people think.
Soon we all find out that those bullies were simply insecure themselves. We also find our own footing and identity.
One god-send during those tough years was good teachers. I was blessed and had many of them. They appreciated me for my intellect, my creativity and my kindness. They believed in me. This gave me confidence and encouragement to become who I am today.
The MacArthur fellowships recently came out. Raj Chetty received one. He has done some interesting work to demonstrate the long-term effects of good kindergarten teachers. See below:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/28/business/economy/28leonhardt.html
Michelle says
Fellow bullied kid here too. It really did hurt alot I was suicidal and so unhappy. My parents tried to help but not being from this country they didnt want to cause a big ruckus.
Im glad its more out in the open now, and its true what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I work with alot of mean ladies now and when they say certian things to me I think HA please Ive dealt with worse you can NEVER make me feel bad!
Brandie says
I’m so glad the reporter spoke out. I’m so glad so many more people are speaking out. Things like this used to not be talked about, it was simply kids being kids, or boys being boys or girls being girls, etc, etc.
Leigh says
Mine is a different experience but, I still felt l was bullied. Funny that you chose the name you did for that was her name. Anyway, I had a boss that blamed me for EVERYTHING!!! I was taught to respect authority but, when it’s not reciprocated, that’s a whole nother ballgame. Many years later, I wondered if she was bi-polar but, back then, it wasn’t acknowledged. I never knew if she’d be in a good mood or a bad mood. However, I did know she was in an unhappy marriage. If I was ever going to get an ulcer, it would have been then but thankfully, I didn’t. After I’d finally had enough & the support of my husband, I quit a job I LOVED. I came to find out, she did the same to almost everyone else there. Despite me being older, those experiences have followed me into adulthood. As you can see, this example of how to treat people clearly extends into adulthood & can have the same lingering negative effects.